Every relationship is premised on the need for communion. You know..... unity, spiritual union, empathy, close association, relationship.....Ok you get it now. The trouble is that it is so easy to lose sight of the basis for every relationship. We get used to each other and begin to take each other for granted. We just assume the one knows how the other feels and is assured of love. So why bother to express and reassure each other of this love and care?
The underlying fact is that women need to be assured and reassured and men need to feel appreciated and assured and reassured of that appreciation. The popular view is that only women need this reassurance. That’s incorrect. Men need to be reassured too. It’s just what they need to be reassured of that differs. Women need to be reassured that they are loved, men need to be reassured that they are getting it right. M. Gary Neuman was recently discussing a research he had carried out on why men cheat. He deduced that it’s all down to diminished communion. The thing is men may cheat when this happens, but women, will just call the lawyer.
There are a number of safeguards for your union that can help. They may sound really soppy but they are things that should come naturally and since they don’t we tend to take them for granted. Here are a few of them.
Greet your wife with a big smile every morning. Hug and kiss your wife every day before you leave home. Then do it all over again as soon as you get home. Sure you are in a hurry. You have a million and one things to do today. Oh, you have been worried all night about a massive issue and could not sleep. First thing in the morning as soon as your wife begins to rouse greet her with a big smile and a hug. I’m assuming you are glad to see she is still at your side and thankful that you have that one assurance. Good. So reassure her that today will be even better than yesterday and that you love her silly. So go ahead now. Give her your biggest smile and a hug. You can now jump out of bed and go get read for work.
This is the recipe for a sure start to a successful life. This little gesture, as simple as it is, gives the impetus needed to face the world. Our homes are the launch pad for a soaring flight in this world so what we leave our families with every morning, the strength we give or deny them determines how successful they will be.
Take One, twice daily
Men and women alike are guilty of thinking that since they have put food on the table and clothes on our back, whether by providing the money or actually cooking or sewing the clothes, they have done more than enough and that should give their spouse and children the foundation they need to thrive. In these trying times, more than ever before, the need to love and show love, to assure and reassure our families of our love is imperative. Studies have shown that those men who kiss their wives daily before going to work not only live longer, they also somehow manage to avoid the various heart diseases that plague us as we grow older. So doctor’s orders, give your wife and children a hug and kiss every morning, unfailingly, before you leave home. No matter how angry you are or how preoccupied you are, never leave home without a genuine hug and kiss, especially for your wife. Believe me, when you do that, every resentment fades away. Now if you are going to give a reluctant hug and kiss and make your wife feel like a nuisance just by requiring a hug and a kiss, you might as well not bother. Body language and the intention of our hearts matter. Resentment is the substance of divorces toyed with. Unless you are planning a lifetime of joylessness, start loving and showing love.
Let me tell you about my friend Michael. Michael is a hardworking successful banker in one of the topmost banks. He is a good provider; in fact his wife and kids are getting ready to go to Disney land in Florida as we speak. As he jumped out of bed this morning, he had a lot on his mind. Very important things. He had a management meeting and a string of other meetings with various clients and a good number of phone calls to make. Then, there this that knotty issue of an urgently needed loan for a cherished client that the banks is reluctant to grant.
Things were hectic enough without his driver going off to attend to his wife who was in labour. Michael had to drive his family to the airport before going off to work. It’s not a problem, just a nuisance getting involved in the domesticity of kids and wife and their travel arrangements. He didn’t need that, he was just too busy. “Get up” Kemi, he yells from the bathroom, “get the kids ready. Quick.” Marching orders are on Kemi thinks. This is going to be one of those days when you get no joy out of him. She had everything under control so why the yelling? She got their two lovely daughters bathed and dressed in 15 minutes flat and had them eating their cereal when she dived into the bathroom. In another 15 minutes she was ready to leave the house. Bravo she thought. This should cheer him up.
“I’ve made three different types of soup and packed them in daily portions. They are in the deep freezer. You won’t need to eat rice everyday” she smiled. He did not answer or return her smile. He is too busy to smile or make small talk she thought.
“Hurry up” he snaps at the kids. Their “good morning, dad” was met with a sour grunt. He began to lug the suitcases into the saloon car.
“I thought we were taking the Sienna his wife says, “they won’t fit in the saloon.”
“No” he snaps, “I can’t drive that thing around all day long and I won’t have time to get back home to change cars before heading to work.” After trying for ten minutes to manoeuvre the cases he turns to the Sienna. They have now lost 10 precious minutes. It’s all her fault. Why did she have to pack so much? He carried on for a while. She knows when to stay quiet. He stays glum until they get to the airport. He pulls into the kerb jumps out and dumps all suitcases onto the nearest trolley. Kemi tries to give him a hug and the girls stand waiting too. “Common woman, I’m too busy for that.” He gets in the car and doesn’t look back as the girls stand waiving. “What a sad scene”, thought his wife.
As he drives away, his colleague, Juma’i called to confirm the time for the management meeting. “Hello love,” he says cheerfully, “did you have a restful night? We have a long day ahead.”
“Yes, thanks.” Jumai answered. “My husband helped me massage my feet last night. I didn’t know I had been standing for so long making the presentation. They were hurting badly by the time I got home. I’m doing great today and ready to go.”
Michael hears the sound of a kiss in the background and a muffled “goodbye darling, have a lovely day” as Jumai’s husband Solomon leaves for work.
“My regards to your hubby” Michael says to Jumai.
“Will do,” she replies cheerfully “my love to Kemi and the girls. They are off to Florida today I believe. You’ll miss them. See you at work.”
He hung up thoughtfully. The picture of his girls at the airport waiting for a hug and kiss flashed before him. He didn’t remember giving them any. Or maybe he just didn’t want to remember ignoring them. His wife also tried to give him a hug. It will be three weeks before he gets a chance to feel her comforting embrace. Suddenly he missed her.
(To cut the long story short, we have decided to keep the rest our new website coming soon. But look out the concluding part of this heart tugging story will be up right here next month.)
