Guard your joy conscientiously

The mind is a mine field. In fact as my sister put when we were brain storming about this article, depression is never far from you. It is like a shadow waiting to pounce on you at any moment. You have to decide and tell depression “you’re not gonna get me, you’re not going to get me, never gonna get me!” and you keep moving forward.

Happiness is inward driven. Ok I’ll quit the psychological mumbo jumbo. Happiness is something you decide you are going to have and keep. “Are you a happy person” is very different from “are you happy”? An incident, a triumph, a result may make you ecstatic for a moment. But it is not enough to sustain your perpetual happiness. The feeling of ecstasy will wear off and then what?

Some terrible thing will happen to make you feel sad. It would really weigh you down and may go on for a while. You may be worried, seeking a solution to a problem. It may even be something irreversible like the death of a loved one. It may be the loss of your job. The dividing line between being sad about an issue and being a sad person is so thin.

Sure you are worried, sure you are upset, certainly you are desperately seeking a solution, but what kind of person are you during this period. This is the true test of your nature. Do you let this matter turn you into a grump, a grouch who takes out every frustration on everyone around you? You have the power to decide between these two options. Who are you going to be?

You have to decide to be joyful and guard your joy jealously. Something or someone is always lucking around waiting to snatch it from you. So guard it jealously. Life is truly a roller coaster ride. There will always be ups and downs along the way. As a child I used to think all my troubles would be gone by the time I turn fifty. I imagined I would have learnt the trick to life, earned all the money I’ll ever need and would certainly have acquired all the wisdom required to figure it all out and ensure all hurdles disappear. It’s not looking that way now and God help me I’m closer to fifty than most. I still haven’t learnt the magic that will ensure I never again run into a quagmire. Stuff will happen. Just when you think you had it made something or someone will mess up badly and it will affect you, even when you have done your part to perfection. What then? Do you become the basket case everyone avoids or do you cry a little, and then seek out a solution while retaining your positive demeanour?

A lot of things are outside our control. But this one thing we can determine. How we feel. It is really hard not to be angry, upset and disappointed when issues come rushing at you in various degrees. On the short term, we will react, and badly too sometimes. After all we are human. But on the long run, we must literally pick up ourselves by our shoe straps and start again.

A colleague pointed out to me several years ago that I get moody and take it out on others. I was amazed. I thought I was the jolly one and that when I get bothered I just keep to myself until I get over it. “That is exactly my point” she said. “You get moody, you don’t talk and you’re no longer your jolly self. At such times I have to watch myself and tip toe around you until I get the green signal that says everything is fine now and it’s ok to talk and laugh.”

I was truly amazed. I didn’t even realise that my attitude could affect anyone that much. I shared an office with her at the time and we used to keep each other company with little chit chat as the day went by. Work can sometimes get monotonous so our camaraderie was really important to her. “Mums can’t afford to be moody” she said. “What would you do when your little one comes into the room needing attention, food, school, has a fever, anything? You have got to lay down all your cares and go attend to this helpless human being who totally depends on you.”
That was my wakeup call right there.

I am not suggesting you bottle up all your emotions and pile it all up until you blow up. All I am saying is take out that issue, hold it up to the light, examine it critically, and determine how you feel about it. Then go ahead and feel that way. But determine not to let it take you over. Determine not to allow it to change your entire outlook on life.

There I was minding my own business one day walking down the street with my head held high determined to have some me time in spite of all the stress, when along came this car and splashed an obscene amount of yucky water all over me. This was really bad. I was drenched. People get tickets and even fail their driving test for that kind of behaviour! I know what I would do to that fellow if only I could track him down. It really burst my bubble. I walked back home amidst friends and family feeling sorry for me and I could barely see through tearful eye. Well I got home I took a shower and began applying my make up all over again. I remember my best girl once told me that when she gets upset she sits in front of the mirror and puts her make up on, no matter what time of the day, whether she was on her way out or not. She swore by the time she finished she would have gotten over the feeling of depression. So, that’s what I did. By the time I was done making up and finding an alternative dress I felt a whole lot better. I was really late for the soirée but I sure did make an entrance.

When a loved one hurts us, it can really get us down. When we get our hearts broken we feel the world is about to end. And we may be right. That may well be the end of life as we know it particularly if it precipitates the end a cherished relationship. But it need not be the end of our joy. The trouble with emotional pain is that they have this nasty habit of lingering. One way I have learnt to deal with this is to allow myself that period of grief. I don’t try to wish it away or pretend everything is dandy and I don’t feel upset or that I’m just glad it’s over. I let myself feel sorry but decide how deeply and for how long. I won’t give anyone infinite power over me. Only God has that kind of power. So I determine just how much of the rest of my life I am going to give this person and move on to a next phase. After a suitable period of mourning a new glorious me emerges, much more beautiful and stronger than ever.

I have a mantra for long drawn out persistent problems that are pervasive and far reaching. Such problems include losing your job and being out of work, being married to a nasty person, having a problematic boss or running into a business hiccup. Solutions to such matters may not be readily available. But my mantra is “This too will pass”. I know that such issues stay with us almost all day but there will be, at least, a little moment in the day when you return home from work and you are away from that nasty boss, when you are at work and away from that awful spouse. Night comes, and I can take a break from pounding the pavement. At that moment I will exhale and be happy. I will consciously find something in this life of mine worth being thankful for. I will smile to myself. That’s my moment when I can just enjoy being me. Hassle free.

You don’t have to do exactly what I do. For instance, not everyone puts on makeup, but you can watch a sport you like or a movie may work better for you. My point is, find your ‘healthy’ happy place during those sad moments and go there. My friend KB says singing a song works magic for her! You can try it too. What’s your happy song? PHM