Find yourself: That may sound simple enough but a lot of us are hanging around waiting to find that person who will make us complete and whole. You were born complete and fully equipped to prosper. It is true that the love of your life has a lot to contribute to your life, like love and companionship. But if you are not fully comfortable in your own skin, loving who you are and able to enjoy your own company, you will be unable to receive love, and appreciate the companionship offered. Some believe that unless they are a part of a couple there is something wrong with them. Some married folks make you feel that way but don’t believe it for a minute. They were all single before they got married and they probably had the fun of their lives while single. So why shouldn’t you. Look inside you, identify your moral values, your code of conduct and stick to it. Don’t do anything or go anywhere just because that’s what others say you ought to do. Be yourself. Identify your source of faith and diligently connect with your God. Don’t try to impress, endeavour to influence positively when the opportunity arises. Accept your friends and family just the way they are. Enjoy your beauty; create your own personal style. Look good and be happy.
Find your purpose: You are not an accident. You were created for a definite purpose. You may not be where you dream to be but you are well on your way there and even the hiccups along the way are part of the ‘grand plan’. The first step towards identifying your purpose is determining that thing you do with the most ease and pleasure. What will you do joyfully that will add value to others whether you were paid for it or not. If it will gladden another’s heart, then that may be part of your purpose in life. Whatever others repeatedly look to you to help unravel may also be part of your purpose. Your talents are there to make life a better place for yourself and others so whether as a hobby or a paid job keep using it to bless others.
Find your own space: It’s a jungle out there. The overload of information struggling for your attention is incredible. From emails to seminars to family engagements, there is simply no getting away. There is so much distraction in the world today sometimes you need to retreat to get back to you. Trendsetting management ideas wrestle with the latest fashion for space in your mind. You just don’t want to be left out and become an antique. But must you really follow all of these? By all means keep yourself educated and up to date on ideas but always run them against your core values. If they don’t match, jettison them as quickly as they came along and move on.
Get rid of clutter: There are two aspects to this. The first is to get rid of all emotional baggage. I’m sure you’ve heard that often enough. Here’s how it works. Everyone who’s ever hurt you needs to be forgiven or forgotten. The relationship is over so get over it. Okay you can’t forgive them. Can you at least forgive yourself for allowing them to hurt you, for failing to see through their act and allowing yourself to be fooled? Go easy on yourself. Stop kicking yourself mentally. We all make mistakes. The trouble with emotional pain is that it lingers. But look at it this way. You would love to have a great marriage when you eventually get married, yes? Holding on to past pains is going to jeopardise your marital harmony, so get rid of it. I will discuss how this happens sometime soon so look out. It’s much too long to fit in here.
As a self preserving act, begin to forgive and forget all previous hurts. You will then be able to go into your dream home with absolute joy and peace.
The other aspect of clutter is getting rid of all extra baggage. I’ve heard the advice ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket’ given in relation to dating. If you’re juggling two or more amore at the same time then you are on a steep road downhill. It shows you don’t love any of them and have no confidence in any of them. Worse still, you have no confidence in yourself. If you are truly the one then he or she will not want to live without you. Are you rolling from one relationship to another? Take a break. Find who you are without the influence of another. You shouldn’t have to settle for what’s available. Spend the time defining yourself. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You do not need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled. I’d say dump all of them right now and enjoy 'you' until the real one comes along.
Have fun: You really must begin to enjoy your life now. Slow down now. I don’t mean jump up and head for the nearest night club. If that’s your thing, by all means go for it but if you get clubbed in the night, I don’t want to know about it. What I mean is do those things that help you relax and make you happy. Whether it be cooking, entertaining, acting, shopping, dressing up, or curling up with a book, enjoy yourself. My sister gets together with her friend and they go out every weekend even if it’s just for a meal or bunching up in one of their houses baking cakes. I have a friend in London who gets together with her friends and colleagues and they go off to France or the USA every year. For years my sister, my friends and I spent every Saturday afternoon swimming for hours then having a leisurely lunch. I was always in love with the arts, particularly drama, so at every opportunity I get involved. It helps me make new friends and it is a lot of fun writing scripts, rehearsing and then staging the plays. Plus it makes you visible. It turns out that part of it was important as I’d probably still be single today. Well that’s another story for another day.
Don’t fall for that nonsense that if a bunch of girls go out by themselves they will seem desperate or that they must have a guy along for protection. Just go out and have. Plus there really is no reason why you should not go out by yourself fun but choose carefully the type of place you go. That’s leaves you open for prepositioning. If you’re with a friend any guy who’s interested will think twice before walking up to you as he will believe you already have all the company you need. Plus he does not want to be rejected in front of someone else. If you are on your own in a restaurant or at a wedding or seminar or cinema for example, you’ll attract attention and someone who has taken a liking to you may be brave enough to say hello. You may also try saying hello to the person next to you and striking up a conversation.
Don’t isolate yourself. Build your own network of friends and family. Don’t have unrealistic expectations of anyone as no single person can be everything you need at every time. Be ready to give a lot of yourself too.
Find your own happiness: Marriage will not suddenly bring endless joy and eliminate all headaches. In fact it brings along its own fair share and then some. You have heard people say marriage is not a bed of roses. Well forgive the cliché but what they are really saying is that it won’t magically put an end to all your troubles and won’t be a party of two every minute till death do you part. It’s a roller coaster ride. It’s full of ups and downs, exhilarating highs and sudden dips right round the corner just when you least expect. So brace yourself. Learn inner tranquillity. Learn to let things wash over you and don’t look to others and certainly not your significant other for every happiness fix. If you must be affirmed by others all the time to have confidence or feel like you mean something, fix that before getting married because it isn’t going to come, at least not all the time and most times not when you need it. Learn to appreciate yourself and be comfortable in your skin. Have I said that before? Oops sorry, my bad. But I’ll say it again anyway, enjoy who you are.
Find your own money: A vital part of finding yourself is finding your own source of financial independence. I’m not saying you need to buy yourself a house before you get married. Why are you always jumping over board? Come on. All I’m saying is you must have a job and earn your keep. Learn to stand on your own feet. You’re an adult. Err I’m assuming you are. That’s not too much to ask is it? If you go into marriage expecting someone else to meet all your financial need, at best you’d be giving up a lot of chance at fulfilment and at worst you’d be jeopardising your self esteem. Be financially stable and look after yourself.
Manage your expectation of marriage: You need to know what you expect marital life to do for you. Most folks expect that in a marriage situation is where they will find security, joy and happiness. Others take it a step further. They expect marriage to meet their every financial need and those of their extended family as well. They expect to be set on the pedestal they always dreamed of. Others may expect to be able to continue their jet set life style, swinging from place to place like nothing has changed. Some may expect their husband to make every decision for them and perfect ones too. One friend could not understand why her husband still has to talk to his mum every week and attend his sister’s parties which she does throw quite often. And companionship, most women think he’ll always be there when they need him and when they don’t. Whatever your expectations are, ask yourself whether they are realistic or you are asking just a little too much. It helps to ascertain what you absolutely cannot live without so that you don’t marry someone who can’t provide it. It also helps you to stay above disappointment. Author Kathy Freston in her book “The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love” says anyone can find the one for them and the love they desire by being a soulful person and letting go of the fantasy of what you think love should be. She says living in the present and being aware—with your heart open wide—is the first step toward finding soulful love.
Be open and ready for new experience: Success has been defined by some as opportunity meeting preparedness. I believe this is not only applicable in professional or business/career areas of life but also in our private lives and in our relationships in particular. No one, certainly not a potential spouse, wants to be saddled with an irritable, sad or grouchy person who one has to tip-toe around or who has to continuously be propped up emotionally. We all want to be associated with success and what is a better display of success than contentment, confidence, joy and excitement. Men in particular are looking for someone to help them forget their own headaches and help them relax. So they, like everyone else are drawn to happy exiting people. Stop dragging old baggage around or waiting for someone to create excitement in your life. Be the excitement that others tap into and draw light from. Again Freston says "When you are waiting for life to happen, then what you are putting out there is that life will happen one day—instead of it just happening right now," she says.
Finding lasting joy in marriage is not rocket science but it starts with you. You need to be whole to provide a wholesome environment for that special person. So start working on yourself now. Enjoying the moment and before long your dreams will come true!
PHM: At 21 you have your whole life ahead of you. What are the milestones you are looking forward to in terms of your career?
