All marriages have conflicts.
Every couple has that moment when they quarrel and can’t remember why the one loves the other and how they got to this point. He makes you so furious you wonder why you spend so much of your energy and time making his life worth living and all he can do is treat you like you don’t mean a thing. Or maybe she just can’t get the simplest arithmetic right and always seems to forget to pay the bills on time or goes shopping when your bank account is at its lowest. Can’t she get it? Then she nags as well. Oh darn! How did you get yourself into this marriage?
No one is perfect; at lease no one person is perfect for everyone every time. I think it begins when you start preparing for the wedding and you get all stressed out and take it out on each other. Also you realise you can actually relax after all these time of being on your best behaviour and let your feelings show. In other words, you begin to take each other for granted.
There will always be cause for disagreement. There are some rare couples who never fight. They have each found ways to either overlook everything the other does to offend them or suppress their emotions. This may not be a healthy option on the long run as it allows for a build up of resentment which eventually explodes and may destroy the union. It may also lead to diminishing intimacy or may keep the level of intimacy at an even low key. So it appears there is a constant state of tranquillity when really you have little in common and share very little of your selves with each other just to maintain the peace. You need to be able to express your individuality within the context of the union without feeling stifled.
It’s not about being right:
For the rest of us who do get mad at each other, we need to remember that marriage is not about who is right and who is wrong, but about our commitment to each other’s wellbeing and the success of our union. The odds are stacked high against the success of any marriage and to lose sight of the reason you teamed in the first place is a sure way to ending up in failure.
There is a way to “fight forward” if you would excuse my made up phrase. By this I mean we turn a fight into an opportunity to understand our spouse better and strengthen our relationship. When you get into a fight with your spouse, if you are truly honest neither of you is happy. In fact you are both miserable even when you are right and the other is wrong and you have said so loud and clear. A fight with someone we really care about does that to us. It makes us miserable. And we don’t like the fact that we succumbed and got into the fight, not after we’ve promised ourselves that we would never fight again at least not in front of the children.
But if we realise that it’s not a fight to pull the other down, to prove that we are right and the other is wrong, it’s not a fight to the finish but an opportunity to get a better understanding of the other person’s perspective, then we may just save the day. If we approach the other’s view with empathy then we may just appreciate where the other is coming from. Most times when your spouse gets angry or complains about something you consider trivial, it may be a symptom of something deeper. So it won’t do to dismiss their complaint as whining or even dismiss the person as being silly or childish. If we keep doing this the resentment builds up and one day they’d simply give up on us and, God forbid, give up on our marriage and move on.
An important starting point is to understand that your spouse is an adult. No one likes to be treated like a child, least of all, men. No adult throws tantrums without a cause so even if the root he or she is hinging it all on seems trivial understand that they have an issue, justified or not and that they are expressing dissatisfaction because they believe you should or could have done something differently. So listen and don’t trivialize their grievance.
Empathise with your aggrieved spouse:
It is not easy to see another person’s point of view when they have succeeded in alienating you by upsetting you. But if you have decided in advance of every fight that you are going to try and place yourself in his or her shoe to understand their stand point even when you feel aggrieved then you have armed yourself to fight forward. Rather than descend into the arena and fight tooth and nail, you step back and refuse to be drawn into the yelling, name-calling and fire spitting bout that usually characterises spousal fights. Looking at the complaint from the position of the complainant, you will have a clearer vision of what the real issue is and be able to identify the solution. Dr Daniel Shapiro in his article, “before your next fight read this” gives a good illustration of this scenario. A wife wakes her husband up early Saturday morning complaining that he failed to do the dishes like he promised. She wouldn’t let up. He starts to get upset particularly as he only just crawled into bed at about 4 am having slaved away all night figuring out the tax matters. He allows his training and advance plan for fight situations to kick in rather than get furious. What’s going on here? What is his wife really feeling? She has to get up early, mind the kid, get him to school, rush off to work, work all day, pick him up from school, feed him, see him through home work and then get to the household chores. He concluded that if he was in her shoes he would be overwhelmed and what’s more he told her so. She really wasn’t happy to listen but he pressed on resisting the strong urge to get angry himself. It didn’t take long for her to explain that she really felt the need to have a little time to herself sometimes and could he help a little more. See, issue resolved without a major meltdown.
I’m on your side - team up with your spouse:
The one person we can really be sure is on our side is our spouse. Unless we have so fouled up that all trust and love is lost, we can be sure and remain certain that we are a team. It will serve us well to remember this at all times and particularly when conflicts arise. So when you get upset and start fighting, don’t fight as if you aim to utterly annihilate your foe with all the artillery at your disposal. This is not a war, it is a battle. Why win this battle and lose the war that ensures your marriage remains a going concern? Your focus is to help your significant other understand how you feel about a thing and what they can do to move your home closer to the haven you both are working towards. So express yourself lucidly. Try to calm down and not speak in anger. Don’t clamp up either. That’s not going to get you both anywhere. Neither of you can read minds. Don’t shout; particularly not in the presence of children. When you shout, all men hear is “bla bla bla bla bla!” What women see is yet another tyrant father figure who is trying to beat them down so they go into a “fight” or “flight” mode. Even if they don’t move their feet, they either mentally retreat from you so that nothing you says has any impact, or they begin to formulate a suitable punishment for you in their minds. God help you if they put this plan into action. It is important to communicate your feelings in a way that does not put the listener on the defensive. Remember you are on the same side so the intention is not to lay blames but to shine some light on what is wrong and agree on a course of action to right the wrong.
Remember each individual is different so he or she may not see things like you do. If you are hoping for a change in the person’s nature to get to where you would like your home to be, it may take some doing as adults don’t change easily if at all. So if you can change your habit, feeling or response to a thing or situation, it may be an easier route to take.
Address minor issues before they escalate:
Conflicts seem to start from seemingly little things. Take for example the issue of the husband who failed to wash the dishes. It appears like just a little oversight and the wife is over reacting. It is only when you dig deeper that the real issues of being overwhelmed and having little or no time to herself come up. Sometimes because we don’t discuss the issue and resolve them as they arise, they pile up, we bottle up our resentment until we blow up when least expected, usually over a minor misdemeanour. Maybe his hooting his horn and shouting at you to hurry up or you will be late for that office party. He had forgotten that it was his shirt that got stained at the last minute and you had to wash and iron the spot dry since he won’t agree to wear something else. He also forgot that he insisted you change your outfit since he believed a little black dress is more appropriate than the emerald you had worn. Your carefully coiffure hair had gone askew and you had to put it right again but only after attending to your son who woke up and caught you in the house because you spent all this extra time and clung to you as he suspected, quite rightly, that you were going off without him. Now you’re out of breath and twisting your ankle in an attempt to run to the car.
Why do you have to go to this party anyway? It’s not as if his colleagues care a hoot about you; and that snobbish wife his boss has now married thinks she is made of gold and everyone else of dross. It doesn’t help that he didn’t tell you until he got back from work tonight when he realised everyone else was bringing their wives. Well he was planning to go without you anyway so why doesn’t he go by himself since you are not good enough to mingle with his precious friends and colleagues anyway. You tell him so in no uncertain terms as you step in the car.
After a week of hard work at the office and minding the baby and doing school runs, all you get is being yelled at after being told you’re not good enough. Well, if the truth be told he didn’t actually say you were not good enough in words but having omitted to invite you to the party just like he failed to invite you to the promotion party for his class mate and the gold retreat last year and now you had to change your dress that always turned heads, you must reach the conclusion that he is ashamed of you although you can’t figure out why. You fitted perfectly when he married you now he’s got this new fancy job, you’re no longer classy enough.
Your husband’s temper is beginning to rise to match yours. But thankfully he had the opportunity of reading this article and is now practising the art of empathy and remembers that there may be a deeper reason for your fury. He realises that you have been through a lot and have managed to shipshape the house and leave instructions and provisions for your son and the home before dressing up at short notice. You would certainly need a little more time and a few minutes lateness would not be considered rude. You may also have felt left out of the circle since he got this new job but the organizational culture is so different that he is having a hard time knowing what’s expected. Next time he will ask specifically whether spouses are welcome and be sure to tell you in advance. And he really loves the emerald dress it’s just that you’ve worn it ever so often and the black dress which he gave you for your birthday shows off your legs nicely and has yet to be worn. He really wants to show you off and he is sorry he got you all rustled. There! All issues addressed without emptying the arsenal. At least you now know that he is proud of you and appreciates your contribution to your lovely home and life.
There are some conflicts so grand that having tried all these, the union remains threatened. Infidelity is one of those taken so seriously you wonder if you’ll ever be able to get over the feeling of betrayal and love on. I’ll be posting an article on this shortly so watch out.
Meanwhile try out some of these ideas. You will certain begin to see the difference a change in attitude can make. Remember you love this person. Keep this in mind always. Let me know how things change.
Every couple has that moment when they quarrel and can’t remember why the one loves the other and how they got to this point. He makes you so furious you wonder why you spend so much of your energy and time making his life worth living and all he can do is treat you like you don’t mean a thing. Or maybe she just can’t get the simplest arithmetic right and always seems to forget to pay the bills on time or goes shopping when your bank account is at its lowest. Can’t she get it? Then she nags as well. Oh darn! How did you get yourself into this marriage?
No one is perfect; at lease no one person is perfect for everyone every time. I think it begins when you start preparing for the wedding and you get all stressed out and take it out on each other. Also you realise you can actually relax after all these time of being on your best behaviour and let your feelings show. In other words, you begin to take each other for granted.
There will always be cause for disagreement. There are some rare couples who never fight. They have each found ways to either overlook everything the other does to offend them or suppress their emotions. This may not be a healthy option on the long run as it allows for a build up of resentment which eventually explodes and may destroy the union. It may also lead to diminishing intimacy or may keep the level of intimacy at an even low key. So it appears there is a constant state of tranquillity when really you have little in common and share very little of your selves with each other just to maintain the peace. You need to be able to express your individuality within the context of the union without feeling stifled.
It’s not about being right:
For the rest of us who do get mad at each other, we need to remember that marriage is not about who is right and who is wrong, but about our commitment to each other’s wellbeing and the success of our union. The odds are stacked high against the success of any marriage and to lose sight of the reason you teamed in the first place is a sure way to ending up in failure.
There is a way to “fight forward” if you would excuse my made up phrase. By this I mean we turn a fight into an opportunity to understand our spouse better and strengthen our relationship. When you get into a fight with your spouse, if you are truly honest neither of you is happy. In fact you are both miserable even when you are right and the other is wrong and you have said so loud and clear. A fight with someone we really care about does that to us. It makes us miserable. And we don’t like the fact that we succumbed and got into the fight, not after we’ve promised ourselves that we would never fight again at least not in front of the children.
But if we realise that it’s not a fight to pull the other down, to prove that we are right and the other is wrong, it’s not a fight to the finish but an opportunity to get a better understanding of the other person’s perspective, then we may just save the day. If we approach the other’s view with empathy then we may just appreciate where the other is coming from. Most times when your spouse gets angry or complains about something you consider trivial, it may be a symptom of something deeper. So it won’t do to dismiss their complaint as whining or even dismiss the person as being silly or childish. If we keep doing this the resentment builds up and one day they’d simply give up on us and, God forbid, give up on our marriage and move on.
An important starting point is to understand that your spouse is an adult. No one likes to be treated like a child, least of all, men. No adult throws tantrums without a cause so even if the root he or she is hinging it all on seems trivial understand that they have an issue, justified or not and that they are expressing dissatisfaction because they believe you should or could have done something differently. So listen and don’t trivialize their grievance.
Empathise with your aggrieved spouse:
It is not easy to see another person’s point of view when they have succeeded in alienating you by upsetting you. But if you have decided in advance of every fight that you are going to try and place yourself in his or her shoe to understand their stand point even when you feel aggrieved then you have armed yourself to fight forward. Rather than descend into the arena and fight tooth and nail, you step back and refuse to be drawn into the yelling, name-calling and fire spitting bout that usually characterises spousal fights. Looking at the complaint from the position of the complainant, you will have a clearer vision of what the real issue is and be able to identify the solution. Dr Daniel Shapiro in his article, “before your next fight read this” gives a good illustration of this scenario. A wife wakes her husband up early Saturday morning complaining that he failed to do the dishes like he promised. She wouldn’t let up. He starts to get upset particularly as he only just crawled into bed at about 4 am having slaved away all night figuring out the tax matters. He allows his training and advance plan for fight situations to kick in rather than get furious. What’s going on here? What is his wife really feeling? She has to get up early, mind the kid, get him to school, rush off to work, work all day, pick him up from school, feed him, see him through home work and then get to the household chores. He concluded that if he was in her shoes he would be overwhelmed and what’s more he told her so. She really wasn’t happy to listen but he pressed on resisting the strong urge to get angry himself. It didn’t take long for her to explain that she really felt the need to have a little time to herself sometimes and could he help a little more. See, issue resolved without a major meltdown.
I’m on your side - team up with your spouse:
The one person we can really be sure is on our side is our spouse. Unless we have so fouled up that all trust and love is lost, we can be sure and remain certain that we are a team. It will serve us well to remember this at all times and particularly when conflicts arise. So when you get upset and start fighting, don’t fight as if you aim to utterly annihilate your foe with all the artillery at your disposal. This is not a war, it is a battle. Why win this battle and lose the war that ensures your marriage remains a going concern? Your focus is to help your significant other understand how you feel about a thing and what they can do to move your home closer to the haven you both are working towards. So express yourself lucidly. Try to calm down and not speak in anger. Don’t clamp up either. That’s not going to get you both anywhere. Neither of you can read minds. Don’t shout; particularly not in the presence of children. When you shout, all men hear is “bla bla bla bla bla!” What women see is yet another tyrant father figure who is trying to beat them down so they go into a “fight” or “flight” mode. Even if they don’t move their feet, they either mentally retreat from you so that nothing you says has any impact, or they begin to formulate a suitable punishment for you in their minds. God help you if they put this plan into action. It is important to communicate your feelings in a way that does not put the listener on the defensive. Remember you are on the same side so the intention is not to lay blames but to shine some light on what is wrong and agree on a course of action to right the wrong.
Remember each individual is different so he or she may not see things like you do. If you are hoping for a change in the person’s nature to get to where you would like your home to be, it may take some doing as adults don’t change easily if at all. So if you can change your habit, feeling or response to a thing or situation, it may be an easier route to take.
Address minor issues before they escalate:
Conflicts seem to start from seemingly little things. Take for example the issue of the husband who failed to wash the dishes. It appears like just a little oversight and the wife is over reacting. It is only when you dig deeper that the real issues of being overwhelmed and having little or no time to herself come up. Sometimes because we don’t discuss the issue and resolve them as they arise, they pile up, we bottle up our resentment until we blow up when least expected, usually over a minor misdemeanour. Maybe his hooting his horn and shouting at you to hurry up or you will be late for that office party. He had forgotten that it was his shirt that got stained at the last minute and you had to wash and iron the spot dry since he won’t agree to wear something else. He also forgot that he insisted you change your outfit since he believed a little black dress is more appropriate than the emerald you had worn. Your carefully coiffure hair had gone askew and you had to put it right again but only after attending to your son who woke up and caught you in the house because you spent all this extra time and clung to you as he suspected, quite rightly, that you were going off without him. Now you’re out of breath and twisting your ankle in an attempt to run to the car.
Why do you have to go to this party anyway? It’s not as if his colleagues care a hoot about you; and that snobbish wife his boss has now married thinks she is made of gold and everyone else of dross. It doesn’t help that he didn’t tell you until he got back from work tonight when he realised everyone else was bringing their wives. Well he was planning to go without you anyway so why doesn’t he go by himself since you are not good enough to mingle with his precious friends and colleagues anyway. You tell him so in no uncertain terms as you step in the car.
After a week of hard work at the office and minding the baby and doing school runs, all you get is being yelled at after being told you’re not good enough. Well, if the truth be told he didn’t actually say you were not good enough in words but having omitted to invite you to the party just like he failed to invite you to the promotion party for his class mate and the gold retreat last year and now you had to change your dress that always turned heads, you must reach the conclusion that he is ashamed of you although you can’t figure out why. You fitted perfectly when he married you now he’s got this new fancy job, you’re no longer classy enough.
Your husband’s temper is beginning to rise to match yours. But thankfully he had the opportunity of reading this article and is now practising the art of empathy and remembers that there may be a deeper reason for your fury. He realises that you have been through a lot and have managed to shipshape the house and leave instructions and provisions for your son and the home before dressing up at short notice. You would certainly need a little more time and a few minutes lateness would not be considered rude. You may also have felt left out of the circle since he got this new job but the organizational culture is so different that he is having a hard time knowing what’s expected. Next time he will ask specifically whether spouses are welcome and be sure to tell you in advance. And he really loves the emerald dress it’s just that you’ve worn it ever so often and the black dress which he gave you for your birthday shows off your legs nicely and has yet to be worn. He really wants to show you off and he is sorry he got you all rustled. There! All issues addressed without emptying the arsenal. At least you now know that he is proud of you and appreciates your contribution to your lovely home and life.
There are some conflicts so grand that having tried all these, the union remains threatened. Infidelity is one of those taken so seriously you wonder if you’ll ever be able to get over the feeling of betrayal and love on. I’ll be posting an article on this shortly so watch out.
Meanwhile try out some of these ideas. You will certain begin to see the difference a change in attitude can make. Remember you love this person. Keep this in mind always. Let me know how things change.
hmmm this is soothing....I bet you, i am addicted to PHM...cant just stop coming here...good work jemima
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